Each week, it gets harder and harder to remember exactly what happens in my CBT session. They're all kind of merging into one now which I suppose is a good thing really. Nevertheless, I've racked my brains and tried to remember as much as I can from this week (it was only 2 days ago, so it shouldn't be that hard!)The Forms
I'm going to be very honest here: I doctored the forms. I know I should be honest and open but I get so stressed out about keeping my scores relatively close (especially after the confusion of the sudden drop last week) that I calculated it this week. Not helpful, I know! It wasn't completely wrong though- It's not like I had a fantastic week and pretended it was rubbish or vice versa. I ended up with a 16 which was more or less how I felt during the week anyway.
The Analysis
My therapist asked if there was anything in particular I wanted to talk about this week. Now I'm going to reveal something really embarrassing about myself: I can't cope when Rich is ill. I don't know why it is but I freak out and, instead of being supportive and caring for him, I end up more anxious than usual. Since he was full of cold last week, this was the perfect time to bring that up.
She asked me to fill in a 5 aspects model, as we did in the second week, and identify where the issue is. My problem is that I worry about him being unwell (for reasons we haven't uncovered yet) and then find it difficult to pull out of that. As a result of this, I start worrying about being a bad wife, then I get so caught up in my fear that I don't actually do anything to help him which feeds back into my concern for being a bad wife and starts a cycle.
After looking at this, she identified that my thoughts are very black and white: Either I'm the perfect wife or I'm terrible. She got me thinking about little things I could do for Rich that could help me inch into the grey area between perfect and terrible, while also making him happy. She asked me how he would feel about that and I said "He'll feel happy then I'll be happy for making him happy and he'll be happy that I'm happy" (or words to that effect!) at which point she wondered if it would change the "equilibrium of the relationship". She's clearly still hung up on the whole co-dependency thing which isn't actually a thing. (She's convinced we're in a co-dependent relationship which both Rich and I can confirm is certainly not true! Rich would love it if I were more independent!)
Homework
For my homework, I need to carry out a behaviour experiment. I need to think of three simple things to do for Rich. Beforehand, I am to write a prediction of what I think will happen and then write what actually happened afterwards. I've already started by buying a little Lindt bunny and hiding him on top of Rich's phone when he was out of the room but I won't say what others I have planned since he reads my blog!
It's definitely getting to the point where we're just doing more of the same. Right now it's hard to tell if it's working exactly but I'm feeling optimistic!
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Previous posts:
If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.
CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2
CBT Session 3CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
I think sometimes you need to do things, or talk things, over more than once to really work them out. I know when I did some therapy it took almost to my last session before we got to the point of figuring things out that would help me.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're making great progress and it's more about helping you figure things out than having a therapist label you or your relationship anyway. :)
Sorcha x Bright Field Notes
Don't be silly, that's not embarrassing at all. I don't want to give you a trigger or anything or make you worry even more, but do you think could it be that you have borderline health anxiety surrounding Rich, and maybe you have a fear of being left alone? It took a while with my therapist, but eventually we came to the conclusion that I have extreme health anxiety about my boyfriend, myself and my family - especially my mum. The way it goes in my head is something like this:
ReplyDeletePerson A has the cold...but what if they go out and it starts to rain and they don't have a coat and they end up with pneumonia or something awful and they die and I'm left alone, missing them constantly and I won't be able to cope without them.
or:
Person B is peeing a lot more than usual. I wonder if it's something sinister. What if they have blood in their pee, and it's something really hideous like a cancer and they die and I'm left alone, missing them constantly and I won't be able to cope without them.
Seriously. Every single time my boyfriend sneezes, I begin to panic, and I feel so selfish and stupid for feeling this way. I send far too many texts to my aunt and sister to ask if they think that someone's symptoms means that they're going to die. It's ridiculous because thinking rationally, everyone gets colds and flus and even worse than that and they can come through it. But please don't be thinking that it's embarrassing. I'd say it's probably quite a common worry. and thank you for sharing...
PS: sorry for the horribly long comment and I really, really hope I didn't make you worry even more! xx
Mary, thank you SO much for this comment! You haven't made me feel worse at all. You've actually made me feel a lot more reassured. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way- I also worry about being selfish and I tend to get snappy with Rich when he's ill which is awful.
DeleteI definitely have a fear of being left alone (another problem I'm struggling with at the moment is Rich falling asleep before me) and I also have a phobia of vomit (although luckily not as bad as it used to be) so I worry that he's going to be sick when he's ill.
Thank you so, so much. It seriously means a lot to know I'm not the only one.
Ohh, thank god! I've been panicking away all day thinking, "I shouldn't have typed that!" Glad to hear it helped a bit though :) xx
DeleteYou're not an awful wife. You're a fucking amazing wife. You know it deep down, we just need to find a way of you discovering it! :) Love you Boo. Xx
ReplyDelete