As I write this, it's 3:20 on a Friday afternoon. I should be standing at the school gates seeing off the children but, instead, I'm sitting cross-legged on my sofa in My Little Pony pyjamas. The reason for this is my anxiety. Well, more specifically, my anxiety medication. It's done some weird things to me over the past 24 hours, leaving me fuzzy-headed, nauseous, unable to talk (even to Rich) and too scared to leave my bed until 2pm today. And this got me thinking.
There is nothing glamorous or romantic about my situation right now. To be totally blunt with you, I have a blood-stained tissue on the sofa next to me as a result of my awful dermatillomania, and cold pizza sits in a box on the kitchen counter. I'm wearing no make up, my hair is unbrushed and my pyjamas are already starting to smell a bit funky. Does that sound cool to you?
Although I really, really appreciate the media, and social, attention that anxiety is receiving lately, it's starting to go a little overboard. I once believed that there was no such thing as too much exposure. Yes, there was a bandwagon of sorts but at least we were talking about it, right? Unfortunately, I now feel like it's gone too far and, judging by my conversations on Twitter this afternoon, I'm not the only one.
Please don't get me wrong here. Of course there are many, many people with anxiety. There are clear indications that it is more prominent in creative minds, which could explain why so many bloggers seem to have it. I understand that the internet is a safe place where people can express themselves in a way they wouldn't be able to in real life, which contributes to the prevalence of anxiety online. I have no problem with the amount of anxiety in social media. My problem is with the attitude.
Let's get this out of the way first- Anxiety (or any other mental health illness, for that matter) is not something to be ashamed of. In no way am I suggesting you hide it, play it down or otherwise minimise the effects of the condition on peoples' lives. But neither is it a badge of honour. I see people almost boasting about it on Twitter and this has serious implications.
Speaking from my own experience, and that of others on Twitter, rather than feel encouraged by this sudden wave of anxiety, sufferers retreat even further for fear of being tarnished with the "bandwagon" brush. They worry that they won't be taken seriously and that it belittles their condition. And who can blame them? When yet another blogger pops up to announce their problems with anxiety, I think a lot of people feel a certain amount of disbelief, even subconsciously. I know I do and that makes me feel like a terrible person. I have anxiety myself and I still have that initial doubt when someone else admits they have it. This is the climate that is being facilitated by the glamourisation of anxiety.
I have suffered from anxiety as far back as I can remember. When I joined school aged 4, I suffered from mutism so it goes back at least 22 years. My dermatillomania started 15 years ago, and when you're constantly ripping your skin off to the point of gushing blood, being physically unable to stop until it "feels right", I think it's safe to say you definitely do have the condition. Yet I've only recently started feeling comfortable discussing it. Why? Because over the past few months, I've received a formal diagnosis for both, as well as long-term medication and counselling. It's awful, and I hate it, but now I feel like I can prove my mental health problems. I can sit on my high horse, safe in the knowledge of my prescription, and look down on those who claim to have the conditions.
This is not how I want to feel and it is not the way mental health problems should be approached. Awareness and publicity is fantastic. The more the better, I say. But why are we glamourising it? Why are we making it cool? The latest thing is to wear a red button as a symbol of your anxiety. That literally turns it into a fashion statement. Some anorexia sufferers wear red bracelets as a sign of solidarity. Can anybody imagine some cool teen idol promoting that, supported by an eating disorder charity? And yet it's exactly the same thing. Why is it not ok for eating disorders but celebrated for anxiety?
Please, if you have problems, get help. Talk to someone, speak to your doctor, look into counselling. By all means share your experiences and help others. But if you can objectively consider your words and think that perhaps you're exaggerating, perhaps you're just trying to fit in, perhaps you want people to think you're brave, find other ways to do that. It's not a fashion statement. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's a life-debilitating condition that affects more people than just the sufferer.
Can fat people wear...? is a series that roadtests current trends on a fat body. Of course, the moral of the story is "wear whatever you want", but I'll be sharing how I felt, how I looked and the reactions I received as a chubby girl in the latest trends. Fat is used here as a tongue-in-cheek, yet factual, adjective, rather than a derogatory term and always, always remember "If you like it, wear it".
I cannot tell you how excited I am about this new series! It's something I've had in the pipeline for a couple of months now and I've finally been able to tackle it. The disclaimer above pretty much explains everything so, without too much of an introduction, today I am roadtesting a fluffy coat.
The details
Blue-grey fluffy jacket- Primark.
How I looked
With the jacket fastened, I looked... well, big and fluffy. Although it has an extra button around the waist (which was actually at my waist too- a rarity for my short torso!) which gave some shape to my figure, it clung pretty frumpishly to my hips, especially when I had items in my pocket, and gave me a strangely pyradimal shape.
When unfastened, however, it draped dramatically from my shoulders, falling around my curves rather than clinging to them, and framing my body. Suddenly the length seemed a lot more flattering this way too.
How I felt
Amazing! The jacket was so warm and snuggly that I could happily give myself bear hugs in the middle of the street and not care. There was such a sense of fun radiating from it that I ended up skipping merrily down the road. Dumpy pyramid or not, I felt awesome!
Reactions
Rich laughed in my face and said I looked like an owl. Pfft! Maybe I want to look like an owl, buddy!
Wardrobe or return?
This is going in my wardrobe for sure! (Though I think I'll be wearing it open most of the time).
Back in June, I attended the Curvy Kate Bloggers' Event and loved every second. I was lucky enough to win the raffle and received three new bras which are honestly the best bras I've ever worn in my life (one was actually a bikini top but so well-fitting that I wore it as a normal bra). So when I was invited to their annual party by the lovely Chantelle, I pretty much bit her (virtual, email-based) hand off.
The party was hosted at The Canvas, a wonderful creative cafe in Hanbury Street where guests are encouraged to write on the walls (with grey pen only!) and positive body image is promoted heavily. The perfect venue for Curvy Kate's fun, empowering ethos!
I was practically jumped on by Milly, but I'm very glad I was as she's a hilarious, lovely girl who can hold a conversation about The Used. My sort of person!
Chantelle, Curvy Kate's PR assistant (in the stripy top below), is an absolute babe and fitted me with a new bra. Although my previous one was a close fit, it turns out I've gone up two cup sizes. Chantelle was the perfect fitter and didn't bat an eyelid when it came to my dermatillomania scars. My new bra, Daily Boost in black, felt so amazing that Chantelle took the tag off for me to wear for the rest of the evening. I kept touching my own chest and making everybody else to do the same. Definitely my favourite bra!
We were also treated to a sneak preview of the new line, Scantilly, a more naughty, risqué line with bras in D to H cups. Lottie, second from right, is wearing a leopard print set from Scantilly in the photo above. It's very exciting so keep an eye out as they prepare for launch.
I had such a wonderful evening, met some new people and caught up with some familiar faces too. Curvy Kate parties are always guaranteed to be a huge amount of fun. Thanks everyone!
I've had many an experience from my blog, but meeting a celebrity was something I hadn't done until last week. Simply Be invited me along to their flagship store on Oxford Street to spend the evening with Kelly Brook herself, talking about her fashion line, Kelly Brook for Simply Be.
The concept is that it is a fashion line for all women, rather than just focusing on plus sizes. After all, we want unity with all women, rather than segregating us into "regular" and "large" sizes. With this collection, Kelly has stripped away the connotations that different sizes need to wear different clothes.
When I arrived, all of the bloggers were seated in a corner of the store with nibbles provided like a party buffet. We spent some time chatting amongst ourselves when out walked this vision of beauty. Let me tell you, Kelly Brook is as beautiful in real life as she looks in print. Seriously, she is breathtakingly stunning.
Before sitting down, she said "First things first: Time for a cocktail sausage". At that moment, I knew she was my kind of girl! She greeted each of us personally before taking a seat and beginning a chat. Rather then just talking at us about her collection, she really developed a conversation, showing a real interest in blogging and the plus size community. She even took the time to ask us for input on the kind of items we'd like to see in her next collection.
After our chat, and once she'd filmed a short introduction of the evening, Kelly took the time to take a selfie with every one of us. She was an absolute doll and so easy to talk to. I didn't at all feel intimidated by chatting with a bonafide celebrity.
Huge thanks to Simply Be and, of course, Kelly Brook herself for a wonderful evening. I'll definitely be adding some of her collection to my Christmas list!
Meredith's crocheted Christmas lights are amazing!
Andini's post about The Paddington Trail makes me want to follow it!
Other Favourites
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The best places to go ice skating in London.
- About 5 years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to this live video of Amanda Palmer's The Bed Song. It became one of my favourite songs ever and made me cry every single time I heard it. I didn't realise until this week that she'd released a video for it last year and it's more beautiful and poignant than I could ever have imagined.
- Bee's blog post recap is perfection!
- This wonderful woman spoke out against anti-abortion protestors and she's my hero.
Life of Pi- Yann Martell
Oh, Life of Pi, where do I start? We've all heard of it. We all know the basic boy-trapped-in-boat-with-tiger premise. We all know it's got a very, very good reputation. But, if you're anything like me, that is all you'll know. So I was pretty surprised when there was no tiger for a very, very long time.
In fact, the whole first part of the book seemed a bit slow to me. Pi, a young Indian boy, grows up unable to choose a religion. Instead he decides to be a practising Christian, Muslim and Hindu, and can't understand why everybody is so adamant that this is impossible. The comfort he finds in all religions is so natural to him that he can't help but identify with all three. So far, no tiger.
When he is a teenager, the family relocate to Canada, boarding a ship along with the animals from their family zoo. However, tragedy strikes and the ship sinks, leaving Pi as the only human survivor. Despite this, he does have an orangutan, hyena and zebra with a broken leg for company. Still no tiger.
And then comes the tiger. Floating uncontrollably in the Pacific, with only the ship's lifeboat and survival equipment to keep him alive, Pi chooses to live. Eventually the animals are killed off one by one, until only the tiger, Richard Parker, survives. Luckily Pi has knowledge of tigers due to his experience with the zoo, and manages to assert his authority so Richard Parker leaves him alone.
Despite the fact that there is only one character throughout the bulk of the book, Life of Pi manages to be a riveting and engaging read. In much the same way as Tom Hanks in Castaway, the monologues and "conversations" with Richard Parker (essentially playing the same role as Wilson) give the reader an insight into Pi's survival instincts and strategies.
Initially, I was confused by the conclusion. After telling his story to two investigators who are conducting an inquiry into the ship's fate, Pi realises they don't believe him and retells the story only this time there are humans in the role of the animals, with Pi playing the part of Richard Parker. The reader is left wondering which is the true story. We want to believe the story with the animals, as it is so fantastical and almost mythical, even though the one with the humans makes more sense logically. Is Pi winding the investigators up? Does he truly believe he survived in a lifeboat with a tiger for almost a year? Or is it true after all?
Then I realised: Life of Pi is a story of belief and faith. Suddenly, the overlong introduction didn't seem so irrelevant. The overarching theme is that we need to be allowed to make our own decisions about our beliefs. We have no proof, so who is anyone to question us? Whatever it is you believe in, have faith in it.
