Fixing my eyesight // My experience with Ortho-K lenses

Imagine this: You've spent most of your life short-sighted, wearing glasses or contacts to correct your vision. Then you try out this new technology- contact lenses that correct your vision overnight so when you take them out in the morning, you have perfect vision without the need for glasses. That's some crazy sci fi malarkey right there. Except it's not. It's real and I'm experiencing it right now. It's called Ortho-k and it's going to freaking change your life!

A health update

Last month, when I went through the results of my reader survey, somebody said that they wanted to know more about my CBT. It was a fair enough suggestion since I'd written about my therapy sessions in depth until they suddenly dropped off the radar.

The truth is they all became one and the same. It felt like every single session went the same way, with the same conversations, the same exercises, the same homework, and this didn't seem useful any more. Why would I write a post every Thursday saying exactly the same thing? Rather than explain this, however, I decided not to say anything at all. I supposed nobody was really that interested, so they wouldn't notice if I just stopped mentioning it. Until I read that response, when I realised that actually people do care. At the time, I wasn't in the right place to start writing updates so I just left it sitting there until I was ready. Which is now.

The truth about perfectionism

A couple of weeks ago, I published a post called The Truth About Panic Attacks. I had such a great response to it and it seems to have helped a lot of people. While writing my book review of Overcoming Perfectionism, I realised I could write a similar post on my perfectionism. As I said then, I'm not a medical professional or a scientist, so that post was, like this one is, written from my own experience. 

The truth about panic attacks

That title may be a little misleading. I'm obviously not a doctor, or a scientist, or any form of mental health specialist so I can't exactly reveal "the truth". However, when I was lying in bed the other night, with my mind swirling incessantly around as it does most nights, I realised there seems to be a disconnect between the perceptions and realities of panic attacks.

Now, I have severe anxiety. Severe enough to be transferred to some pretty gnarly medication. Yet those classic gasping for air panic attacks that you see on TV? I probably have one of those two or three times a year. 

Time for some real talk

Normally, when I sit down to write a blog post, I have a pretty good idea of where it's going. Not this time. I'll just write and let's see where we end up.

I'm signed off from work. Again. This is the third time in a year that I've been signed off and will clock in at a total of 10 weeks. If I'm completely honest with you, I'm scared. Scared for my job security. Scared for my mental health. Just scared generally because that's what happens when you've got anxiety.

Anxiety is not a cute little panic attack that goes away when you meet a celebrity. It's not "just saying yes" to things that scare you. It's not being a bit shy and nervous around people or not wanting to go to work in the morning.

Anxiety is all-consuming. It prods your mind in the night to remind you what a terrible person you are. It twists your stomach into knots at the thought of even getting off the sofa. It's hiding on the stairs when someone knocks on the door, staying cooped up inside for days on end and shaking so noticeably that the doctor notices (although that may be because I fancy the socks off him).

Perversely, in my case, it also means making jokes that might be inappropriate given my condition, going on day trips that probably make some people think I'm skiving, and being happy as Larry on social media. (Side note: Who is Larry and why exactly is he so happy?)

I'm ok, you know. I mean, I'm not really but I will be. I have so much support from my friends, family and that doctor I keep going on about. I'm not posting this for sympathy or advice. I'm not even sure if it could be classed as helpful. I'm just letting you into my life and this little hidden part that, although I openly discuss, is probably not as transparent as I think it is. 

Right now, everything scares me. Everything except one little thing- blogging. Being able to write, being active in this wonderful community, talking to such amazing people from all over the world who are drawn together through this interest, is an incredible thing. I'm so grateful this community exists and is as accepting as it is.

...and now, back to the usual content you expect on here.

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 8

Good news! It wasn't my last session! I still haven't asked when that will actually be but, since she hasn't mentioned it, I assume it's just until further notice. What a relief! 

The Forms
I'd had a really bad week, with a few days off work so, predictably, my scores were very high. My therapist then said something really interesting that had only occurred to her after I'd left last week: A perfectionist is likely to wait for a "perfect" day before giving it a low score which makes perfect sense. Instead, we've agreed to adapt the forms in terms of how extreme the feelings have been. 0 would be very slight worry whereas 3 would be very extreme. This way it's going to be a lot easier to see how I'm making progress week on week.

Analysis
First of all, we looked at my homework from last week. I'd somehow managed to call Marie and it all went fine, of course. We drew a graph to show my anxiety levels before, during and after the call. Then my therapist explained that as I repeat the process, the habituation will bring my anxiety levels down as I get used to it.

We then looked at the problems I'd had during the week to write a thought record but this was harder than usual as I didn't have any active thoughts of worry. I was just aware of this sudden wave of anxiety that felt like it was punching me in the stomach. Looking at the model of perfection we'd created last week, we identified how my anxiety was causing avoidance since I was unable to work.

Homework
My homework is simple this week: Just carry on with what I'm doing! We're trying to get the habituation process in place so I'll be trying out another phone call. Oh, and I went to work yesterday and nothing bad happened, so there's that too!

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2

CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5

CBT Session 6
CBT Session 7

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 7

Something strange happened this week. About halfway through the session, my therapist said "we'll come back to that at some point. Not today though". That doesn't sound like the words of someone who's preparing their patient for the final session next week. Maybe it's not 8 weeks after all. A minimum of 8 weeks, perhaps? I was too scared to ask because, as I've said repeatedly in these posts, I don't feel ready to stop and I didn't want to remind her if she'd forgotten. We'll see, I guess!

The forms
Every week, I hate these more. I have to be honest and say I calculated my scores this week. It's awful, unhelpful and I shouldn't have done it but it just makes me so anxious that I thought this was safer. I knew last week was 16 so this week I made myself a 15- enough to be going down but not so much that it raised eyebrows. Only it didn't work. She was really confused that I'd explained I'd had a great week but still had high levels of a low mood. Moral of the story, kids: Don't lie!

The analysis
I mentioned in passing that I nearly had to use the phone this week and my therapist latched right onto that. She decided that this week was going to be about phone calls and how it relates to my perfectionism. I know that my problems go back to when I was 10, when I called a new school friend, Mel. She answered, I dove straight into conversation and after a long, uncomfortable pause, said: "This is Tasha. Do you want to speak to my sister?" I was mortified and that was that. Now I can't use the phone because I have this overwhelming pressure of getting everything right. I feel put on the spot, pressured to have an immediate, articulate response and convey everything I need to perfectly through the use of only my voice. In short, it freaks me out!

My therapist drew a perfectionism model, tailored to my own issues, which looked like this:

Evidently my perfectionism doesn't extend to drawing psychological models! (As an aside, she based this model on one in her book all about perfectionism. There was a spelling mistake in the model. Wait, just realised that my obsession with correct spelling and grammar stems from my perfectionism!)

As you can see, whichever way I go, I'm stuck in this cycle of perfection. When it comes to phone calls, I'm firmly lodged in the avoidance square! The only way to break the cycle, which I have done on two occasions before, is to accept my "failure" and put positive action in to address it. 

Homework
My homework this week is the scariest ever. I need to make phone calls. We're starting with baby steps so, first of all, I need to call Marie for 3 minutes and explain why I'm phoning her up. If that goes well and I'm feeling confident, I can challenge myself to call a takeaway (therapy-approved takeaway!). I found it really difficult to define success for this challenge. Initially, I said "Getting through the phone call without fluffing my words" but my therapist wouldn't accept that. If I do fluff my words, that definition of success would mean I'd failed and I'd get stuck in the cycle of perfectionism again. Instead, all I need to do is get through the phone calls without hanging up and, in the case of the takeaway, have some sort of food delivered. It doesn't matter if I panic and end up ordering the wrong thing. If food arrives at my door, I've succeeded. I'm not going to lie, I'm absolutely terrified! Wish me luck!

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Previous posts:

If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2

CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5

CBT Session 6

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 6

Each week, it gets harder and harder to remember exactly what happens in my CBT session. They're all kind of merging into one now which I suppose is a good thing really. Nevertheless, I've racked my brains and tried to remember as much as I can from this week (it was only 2 days ago, so it shouldn't be that hard!)

The Forms
I'm going to be very honest here: I doctored the forms. I know I should be honest and open but I get so stressed out about keeping my scores relatively close (especially after the confusion of the sudden drop last week) that I calculated it this week. Not helpful, I know! It wasn't completely wrong though- It's not like I had a fantastic week and pretended it was rubbish or vice versa. I ended up with a 16 which was more or less how I felt during the week anyway.

The Analysis
My therapist asked if there was anything in particular I wanted to talk about this week. Now I'm going to reveal something really embarrassing about myself: I can't cope when Rich is ill. I don't know why it is but I freak out and, instead of being supportive and caring for him, I end up more anxious than usual. Since he was full of cold last week, this was the perfect time to bring that up.

She asked me to fill in a 5 aspects model, as we did in the second week, and identify where the issue is. My problem is that I worry about him being unwell (for reasons we haven't uncovered yet) and then find it difficult to pull out of that. As a result of this, I start worrying about being a bad wife, then I get so caught up in my fear that I don't actually do anything to help him which feeds back into my concern for being a bad wife and starts a cycle. 

After looking at this, she identified that my thoughts are very black and white: Either I'm the perfect wife or I'm terrible. She got me thinking about little things I could do for Rich that could help me inch into the grey area between perfect and terrible, while also making him happy. She asked me how he would feel about that and I said "He'll feel happy then I'll be happy for making him happy and he'll be happy that I'm happy" (or words to that effect!) at which point she wondered if it would change the "equilibrium of the relationship". She's clearly still hung up on the whole co-dependency thing which isn't actually a thing. (She's convinced we're in a co-dependent relationship which both Rich and I can confirm is certainly not true! Rich would love it if I were more independent!) 

Homework
For my homework, I need to carry out a behaviour experiment. I need to think of three simple things to do for Rich. Beforehand, I am to write a prediction of what I think will happen and then write what actually happened afterwards. I've already started by buying a little Lindt bunny and hiding him on top of Rich's phone when he was out of the room but I won't say what others I have planned since he reads my blog!

It's definitely getting to the point where we're just doing more of the same. Right now it's hard to tell if it's working exactly but I'm feeling optimistic!

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Previous posts:

If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2

CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 5

To be honest, I don't remember much of this session. It seemed very repetitive and almost like I'm going backwards. Nevertheless, I'll recount as much as I can recall.

The Forms
Last week, I had the genius idea of using one form each day to record my mood so I could tot up the totals before my session and lose that stress of trying to remember what I put down last year. I'd had a pretty average week so I wasn't surprised my score had gone down to 12, but this just seemed to really confuse my therapist. She couldn't understand why I'd gone down so suddenly and I couldn't explain it myself either.

When she asked me to rate my week 1-10, I said that it would be about 7 because most of the week was fine but my bad weekend brought down the average. She didn't understand what I was saying and thought the weekend had affected my whole mood throughout the week but, after much explaining, she finally underestood. 

The Analysis
My homework had been to keep a worry diary but, what with work and everything, I completely forgot until the day before but at least managed to record one day. When I explained this, she said "There's some quite severe avoidance there then". Although I protested that I'd just forgotten, she said "There's no such thing as forgetting" and when she saw the baffled look on my face, followed it up with "I know you genuinely think you forgot but you didn't". I still think I did! At least, I think I think I did! (This therapy malarkey is getting confusing!)

We looked at my worry diary and she explained there were three ways to approach them:

1. Worry Time
In worry time, you distract yourself when you have a worry and then allow yourself a certain time each day to just sit and worry. However, we decided this wouldn't work for me as my worries tend to pop up even when I'm already busy.

2. Visualisation
In this strategy, you decide whether a particular worry is real or hypothetical (mine are nearly always hypothetical). If it's hypothetical, you let it go by visualising yourself sitting on a river bank, popping your worry on a leaf and watching it drift away. The theory is that it stops from brewing in your mind but I didn't think this would work for me as I find it very difficult to stop worrying.

3. Challenging thoughts
This was by far the best strategy for me: Taking each worry and challenging it to create a more balanced though. 

She asked me to choose one worry from that diary and we created a thought diary just like we'd done in session 3. This was a bit frustrating for me as it felt like I was going backwards, although I was pleased to see that I could complete it pretty much automatically. Now I just need to try and do it at the time, rather than days after! 

Homework
For my homework, I need to come up with balanced thoughts for two of my worries and record how long it took me from the initial worry to creating the balance. She's also asked that I make one of them a worry from home as we've only tackled work-based ones so far. 

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Previous posts:

If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2

CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
CBT Session 6

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 4

I'd be lying if I said I'm not a bit concerned that I'm now halfway through my sessions. I can definitely see an improvement but, my word, it's scary to think I'm going to be thrown out into the world! Hopefully, since I started off with the high intensity treatment, there'll be some sort of weaning-off process.The Forms
These forms stress me out so much! I hate that I can't use what I put the week before so, even though I know this week has been better than the last, my forms sometimes imply that I'm getting worse. That's what happened this week. Even though I gave the week a general grading of a 7, on the basis that nothing particularly good or bad has happened, my low mood rating went up 3 points. This is probably to do with the fact that I've been unwell the past few days but it threw my therapist out. She couldn't understand how I could have had such positive feedback from Ofsted, be so pleased with myself when I told her but then say nothing particularly good has happened. My explanation that I feel good at the time but it's not something that carries on through the week seemed to concern her. When I told her I'd had no panic attacks this week, she was even more confused because I still have the maximum grading for anxiety. When I explained that I constantly feel anxious, even if I don't have a panic attack, she asked me to fill in a form which sounded like "pen stick form" but, after Googling this, I can confirm that's not correct!

The Analysis
I filled in this pen stick form (or whatever it was) which required me to rate various feelings 1-5 depending on how true they were. Examples were "When I finish one project, I immediately worry about the next" and "I am always worrying about something" (Newsflash: I just found it online and it's called the Penn State form!) My answers gave me the maximum score which was obviously very worrying and suddenly she announced that we need to be treating me for Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This was news to me as I thought that's what we were treating! By the sounds of it, she was treating me for Panic Disorder but, as I do still have panic attacks, the skills I've learned in the previous sessions are useful nevertheless.With this in mind, she asked me to write a list of all the things I'd worried about that morning. Considering my appointment was at 10am (and I woke up at 9:20am) my list was pretty extreme:

- I'm tired and this will affect my day
- I'll oversleep and be late
- I won't have time for the bus
- The taxi will leave without me
- The taxi driver will think I'm making up my limp (I have a sore foot at the moment)
- I'm too early and I'll inconvenience people
- I have to make small talk with the receptionist after she complimented my nails
- My therapist will think I'm making up my form responses

I'm sure you can imagine it's exhausting living like this all the time! We then went through the list and decided whether each worry was real or hypothetical. Apart from being early and making small talk, all of my worries were hypothetical. Even the real ones had hypothetical consequences- I didn't inconvenience anyone by being early and my chat with the receptionist wasn't awkward.

At this point, and when talking about the worries I could remember from the day before, it became clear that they generally fall into three categories: Being late, being tired and other people judging me. 

When we reached the final point, I explained that although sometimes I'm severely affected by what other people think, there are other times when I couldn't care less. As an example, I was wearing my super ugly Snoopy jumper at the time and I had absolutely no concerns about what other people thought of it. I also raised the point that sometimes I feel superior to other people in terms of intelligence and my work (planning, teaching etc) which makes me feel really uncomfortable. At this point, my therapist had a revelation for me:

"Is it possible that you are better than most people in these regards?"

"Well, maybe... but that just seems so arrogant"

"If Jessica Ennis stood next to you and said she was a better high jumper than you, would you think she was arrogant?"

"Well, no..."
"Would you think she's just pointing out a fact?"

"I suppose so..."
"So do you really think it's arrogant to accept that you are better than some people in some aspects? Everyone has their strengths. So long as you're not boasting about it, you're not going to be arrogant".

This was a huge turning point for me as I've always felt like I've got some sort of superiority complex and felt guilty for it. It's interesting to note that I find it difficult to accept that maybe there are some things I'm better than others at (even typing that makes me cringe!)

The Homework

This sudden U-turn in treatment took up most of the session so she asked me to keep a worry diary for the week to look over in our next session. She told me to only fill it in three times a day with all the worries I can remember since the last time I wrote in it, otherwise there's a danger I could get obsessed with it (and, if I'm honest, that sounds a lot like something that would happen to me!)

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Although it was a bit of an unusual session, I'm very happy with the way it's going. Now that I've developed (and am using) my skills in managing panic attacks, we can address the underlying anxiety disorder and, hopefully, get that under control!

Previous Posts
If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2
CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
CBT Session 6

Smear for Smear // Do charity selfies help?

This week, I've started to see #smearforsmear pop up on Twitter and Instagram a lot. The idea is that you smear your lipstick, post a selfie and hey presto! Suddenly women everywhere realise they need to book a smear test. Only it doesn't quite work like that, does it? 

To me, this seems symptomatic of a recent trend for narcissistic self-promotion disguised as charity work, usually under the guise of "raising awareness". Just like the no make up selfie, supposedly to help raise awareness of cancer (because apparently we're not aware of it enough) and the Ice Bucket Challenge before it, again intended to make people aware of ALS, our social media pages are being flooded with people posting photos of themselves in the name of a good cause. Admittedly, there are benefits to this as both trends did increase donations to their respective causes but research also suggests only 10% of people taking part in these campaigns actually donate. Which raises the question- Why would people join in if they don't intend to contribute?

This becomes even more tricky when the issue doesn't lend itself to charitable causes and instead tries to push people into action like that blooming panic button campaign. Smear for smear is a great example of this. As a young woman over the age of 25, seeing some Hollyoaks actress with smudged lipstick is hardly an incentive to get tested. Do you know what is an incentive? Talking about it! 

It's as simple as that. Share your experiences. Discuss the procedure and reassure women that it's not as scary as you'd expect. From what I've seen, celebrities as well known as Rita Ora and Georgia May Jagger are posting their selfies but are not actually talking about their experiences. What does that achieve exactly?

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So, with that in mind, here is what to expect from a smear test, based on my experience:

I got the letter in 2013, just after my 25th birthday but I totally forgot to sort it out until I started visiting the doctor regularly a few months later and he noticed I hadn't been screened. All I had to do was go to the receptionist, ask to book in for a cervical screening and she fixed a date. So far, so easy.

On the day I was admittedly a little nervous. However, the nurse I had was absolutely lovely and put me totally at ease. I had to strip my bottom half (I'd recommend wearing a dress as you can just hoik the skirt up and may feel a bit less naked) and lie on my back with my knees up, then let them fall to either side. 

I'll admit this bit was terrifying, but only because she had a lamp pointed down there and it was casting a huge menacing shadow on to the wall beside me, complete with a speculum longer than my arm span (it was just the effect of the shadow, don't worry!) She warned me that the speculum may be a bit cold, although it wasn't as it turns out, popped it in and then put the little brush in.

This is the bit that sounds horrible but I can promise you, it's not. It's about the size of a cotton bud so absolutely tiny and, by the time you're aware of the sensation, it's out again. That's it! She pulled the curtains closed so I could get dressed in privacy and then I was free to leave.

The whole process took maybe three minutes. In fact, my mum had dropped me off and was just sending a text before planning to meet me in the waiting room but I got back to the car before she'd had a chance to get out. A couple of weeks later, I called up and was told that everything was normal and that was it. I don't need to go back now until 2016, three years after my first screening.

I totally understand why girls are scared by the process and why they put it off for so long but you have my word that it is no big deal at all. I was surprised by just how quick and easy it was, and was so glad that I hadn't procrastinated and built it up as a big scary thing. If you're over 25 and you haven't booked your test yet, do it now! If it is terrifying and painful, I give you permission to tell me off (because I swear it won't be!)

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Now, isn't that a lot more reassuring than a photo of smudged lipstick? Of course I'm not saying don't get involved with the Smear for Smear campaign but, if you do, share your experience. It's only by talking about it that we can really dispel the myths and encourage women to get tested.

Other posts

If you've written your own post on your smear test experience, please do send me a link. I'd love to create a whole list of honest recounts from bloggers so we can have a huge range of different experiences. 

Abby: What it's like and why it's so important

Victoria: My smear and colposcopy experience

Lizzie: Cervical screening- The honest truth

Katie: Cervical cancer awareness week
Filipa: Smear for Smear campaign

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 3

I'm almost halfway through my sessions of CBT already and that absolutely terrifies me! Luckily, I can see some real progress already so I'm hoping things will continue to improve.

I was a lot less nervous this week, since my last session was such a huge improvement on the first. I'd had a bit of a meltdown the day before, when I heard Ofsted were coming in, but this actually turned out to be useful as we based our whole session around this one event.

The Forms

I'm resigned to the evil that is The Forms now. Saying that, they do stress me out a bit since I can't remember what I put the week before. What if it gets a lot worse and she thinks I'm lying? What if it gets a lot better and she thinks I'm lying? My anxiety levels have stayed the same (the maximum of 21 points)- What if she thinks I'm lying? Actually, and probably predictably, the results were very close to my previous ones but slightly lower. From what I remember, my "depression" symptoms (in speech marks because I'm not actually depressed) have gone down by one point each session, which is definitely a good sign! The only area that showed up as worse was the one about fidgeting too much. This makes sense as my dermatillomania and scratching has returned full force this week. 

After this, we had our review of the previous session where she asked me what I had learned and seemed surprised that I could pretty much reel of everything she'd said in a neat, concise little package. 

The Analysis
Here, we looked over my homework from last week and discussed the major panic from the previous day. I was chuffed that she was very impressed with my homework. Apparently she would usually help her patients go through this again but it was obvious that I had the process pretty well understood. The therapist questioned me about my behaviours to get more information. I had cried to pretty much everyone and she asked "How long did you preoccupy everyone's time with your crying?" which made me feel awful. Shortly afterwards, she asked me how I felt about my behaviours and of course, I felt horrendously guilty for wasting everyone's time with my crying! In fact, as I'd only cried for about half an hour, before cracking on with work and staying until 9pm to prepare, she was really impressed with me. As she explained, everybody needs to cry sometimes and there's no point bottling it up. The most important thing is that I picked myself up and did something productive, rather than hiding from it. She actually said I'd dealt with it "perfectly", before back-pedalling when she realised she'd praised someone with perfectionism issues for being perfect. That's only going to feed my obsession with being perfect!

Since we didn't need to focus on behaviours as we were going to in this session, she turned her attention to my thinking and pointed out that I had a lot of catastrophic thoughts (I thought she was being dramatic but it turns out that's the official name of anxiety-riddled thoughts) and asked me to choose one of the many, many negative thoughts that I had during that time. I didn't even need to think about which one since I'd be crying to the headteacher saying "I'm going to let everyone down". I explained how devoted I am to my school and the surrounding community, which she said she found very touching. 

Next, I listed all of the emotions I felt at that time and rated them with a percentage according to how intense they were. She then asked me to return to the overriding thought of "I'm going to let everyone down" and instructed me to list the evidence to support that as fact and evidence against it while she photocopied my forms. When she returned, she was very surprised to find that, not only had I filled the form in, but I'd done it correctly (there's a reason why I'm telling you how impressed she was- I'm not just boasting!)

Using the evidence for, including work not being up-to-date due to my extended absence, and evidence against, such as the fact they would be made aware of my health problems, I had to come up with a balanced thought. After a little thought, I came up with "My work not being updated would usually result in a bad report for the school, but the circumstances mean they'll see me as an exception, not indicative of the whole school". 

With this balanced thought in mind, I went back to the emotion percentages and rated them again as if I had had these thoughts in mind at the time. Tellingly, the percentages were much lower the second time. My therapist then called me a "star pupil" before explaining the homework.

Homework
This week, I need to keep track of my catastrophic thinking and keep a thought diary with evidence for, against and a resulting balanced thought. I'm already practising and think I'm doing quite well!

Finally, she asked me to recap what I'd learned today and, again, I could summarise the session without any issues. She was hugely complimentary about how well I'd picked it all up.

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Now, it might seem like I was just boasting by going on and on about how well she said I was doing, but I did say there was a reason! My issues are very much brought on through my obsessive desire with meeting, and exceeding, the high standard that I perceive everybody to have of me. By praising me so much, I now feel that she expects me to be wonderful in every session and this puts pressure on me to not only deliver what she expects (which, in my mind, is a very high bar) but to continually impress her by doing even better. Of course praise is important but, in my case, too much is far, far worse than too little* Despite this, I'm really proud of myself and I'm looking forward to improving week on week! 

*Mind you, that doesn't mean stop giving me lovely comments...

Previous Posts:
If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2

CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
CBT Session 6

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 2

In my first therapy diary post, I explained how I felt really miserable after coming out of my first session. Luckily, the second session was much more positive!

The Forms

The first thing we did was fill in another one of those forms. I think I pretty much have to accept that I'm going to complete one every week. At least it seems like a good way to track my progress. The frustrating thing is that it's split into two sections- one for depression and one for generalised anxiety disorder- and many of the symptoms apply to both. So, for example, I lose my appetite and have trouble sleeping when my anxiety's bad but, because this is on the depression part of the form, I end up scoring moderately high for depression. I can 100% say I am not depressed although on paper it looks as if I am. Although it's frustrating, my score for anxiety is so high (as in, the maximum) that my therapist isn't paying much attention to the depression scores. 

After filling in the form, she gave me last week's to compare and was very confused because, although I'd told her I'd had a worse week, the previous form indicated that I was much better. When I looked at it, I realised that she had handed me a form belonging to- and named with- a different patient. Can't say that really set my mind at ease!

The Analysis

In a funny way, things worked out pretty well for this first real session. Earlier in the week, I'd had a horrendous day of panic attacks and had needed to take a couple of days of work to recover. Although this was horrible for me, of course, it meant that we had a very current situation to analyse.

My therapist produced this sheet of the Padesky 5 aspects model and we began filling it in together. The Situation box involved filling out exactly what happened with the facts- where, when, who with etc. That led into my thoughts but it's important to distinguish this from feelings, which comes next. When I was completing these two boxes, she really pushed me to delve deeper with questions such as "and what would that say about you?" In the end, we reached a breakthrough as I reached "that I'm not good enough". As my problems stem from perfectionism, she said that we'll probably find this is the root cause of most panic attacks. Finally we discussed the physical sensations and behaviours- what I actually did (Sit down, cry and go back to bed). 

Once the whole form was complete, we looked at it together and she encouraged me to find links within the boxes. I discovered that the thoughts I have "I'm not good enough. I'm going to let people down. I'm going to fail" lead to my feelings of being flustered and frustrated at myself, which further exacerbate the negative thoughts. This leads into a downwards spiral into the physical symptoms of a panic attack and all three- thoughts, feelings and sensations- contribute to my behaviours. 

This was a complete revelation for me! When I first saw the 5 aspects model, I thought it would be impossible to separate the big ball of panic into these separate elements but, once I had, it became very clear where my problems are.

The Goals

When I'd reached this point of enlightenment, my therapist asked me to look at the sheet and explain what I would change if I had a magic wand. I said I would make the thoughts more balanced to prevent the thoughts/emotions cycle as I figured I can't change situations but I can change the way I view them. Apparently this is spot on and she explained that we will work to change my thoughts so they're more like "This might happen but that's ok because..." rather than "This might happen and it's going to be a complete disaster".

She then told me that the other area we'll work on is behaviours and suggested we start here as it's easier: Even though I have the scary thoughts and the mental/physical symptoms of a panic attack, I need to push through and do the scary things.

At this point, we made a list of everything that scares me and hopefully I'll be able to do some of those things (such as watch Edward Scissorhands without fear) before too long. 

Homework

After a quick review of the session, in which she asked me what I'd learned, she asked me to keep a panic diary over the week. Essentially, every time I get panicky, I fill out another of the 5 aspects models to break it down. 

This week, I'm actually feeling really positive. I think I can see how it will help. My only concern is that I now have 6 weeks left and that doesn't seem like long enough to achieve anything long term. We'll see though! 

///

If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

Previous posts:

CBT Session 1
CBT Session 2 (this one)
CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
CBT Session 6

Therapy Diaries // CBT Session 1

I started my CBT sessions for anxiety a couple of weeks ago and thought it may be helpful to keep a record of what happens in each session. My post on what to expect from a therapy assessment seems to have helped quite a few people, and I'm sure a lot of people are as nervous about starting CBT as I was!

Session One

Unfortunately, there was a mix up of the times and I ended up arriving half an hour late. It was nobody's fault but one of the things that really brings out my anxiety is being late, so I was extremely nervous. Although my therapist didn't tell me off, she kept referring to the time and I ended up feeling guilty about the situation. It was probably this that immediately got my defenses up and led me to view the session in a negative light. It's a real shame because I was actually really excited about getting started and tackling my issues.

There were other instances that annoyed me- She did a double take and started to say something when I was a teacher, before setlling on "Oh... ok". Why is that so surprising? What was it that she decided against saying? I regularly felt that she was judging me, which didn't make things any easier.

In this session, I started by filling in another one of those blooming forms that I hate so much before she asked me to briefly fill her in on my problems. Then came the "Tell me about your childhood" part. This was particularly frustrating for me because I felt like I knew exactly what she wanted me to say. I trotted out the story of my parents' divorce and my dad's departure to Liverpool knowing full well that she was thinking I'm an open-and-shut case.

Just before the end of the session, after telling her about my childhood up until the age of 11 (it was only afterwards I realised she hadn't asked me anything about my adolescence, which is where most of my major problems originated), we had to come up with some future goals. At this point, she annoyed me by saying "We don't have a magic wand. We can't just make it go away". I knew this very clearly and felt like she was being a little partronising. In the end, I just said what I knew she wanted to hear, without actually believing it: "I need to accept that I'll never be perfect and my best is good enough".

When I came out, I felt much less positive than when I had gone in. I was left with a feeling of being judged, patronised and like the whole experience was going to be detrimental to my mental health.

Luckily my second session was much better, but I'll be posting that in a couple of days' time, so look out for it! 

Other Posts
If this post has interested you, you can read my previous post in the series below. Please do share with anybody who it may help as, from my experience, it's very scary to start talking therapies with no knowledge of what to expect.

CBT Session 2
CBT Session 3
CBT Session 4
CBT Session 5
CBT Session 6

On glamourising anxiety

As I write this, it's 3:20 on a Friday afternoon. I should be standing at the school gates seeing off the children but, instead, I'm sitting cross-legged on my sofa in My Little Pony pyjamas. The reason for this is my anxiety. Well, more specifically, my anxiety medication. It's done some weird things to me over the past 24 hours, leaving me fuzzy-headed, nauseous, unable to talk (even to Rich) and too scared to leave my bed until 2pm today. And this got me thinking. 

There is nothing glamorous or romantic about my situation right now. To be totally blunt with you, I have a blood-stained tissue on the sofa next to me as a result of my awful dermatillomania, and cold pizza sits in a box on the kitchen counter. I'm wearing no make up, my hair is unbrushed and my pyjamas are already starting to smell a bit funky. Does that sound cool to you?

Although I really, really appreciate the media, and social, attention that anxiety is receiving lately, it's starting to go a little overboard. I once believed that there was no such thing as too much exposure. Yes, there was a bandwagon of sorts but at least we were talking about it, right? Unfortunately, I now feel like it's gone too far and, judging by my conversations on Twitter this afternoon, I'm not the only one.

Please don't get me wrong here. Of course there are many, many people with anxiety. There are clear indications that it is more prominent in creative minds, which could explain why so many bloggers seem to have it. I understand that the internet is a safe place where people can express themselves in a way they wouldn't be able to in real life, which contributes to the prevalence of anxiety online. I have no problem with the amount of anxiety in social media. My problem is with the attitude.

Let's get this out of the way first- Anxiety (or any other mental health illness, for that matter) is not something to be ashamed of. In no way am I suggesting you hide it, play it down or otherwise minimise the effects of the condition on peoples' lives. But neither is it a badge of honour. I see people almost boasting about it on Twitter and this has serious implications.

Speaking from my own experience, and that of others on Twitter, rather than feel encouraged by this sudden wave of anxiety, sufferers retreat even further for fear of being tarnished with the "bandwagon" brush. They worry that they won't be taken seriously and that it belittles their condition. And who can blame them? When yet another blogger pops up to announce their problems with anxiety, I think a lot of people feel a certain amount of disbelief, even subconsciously. I know I do and that makes me feel like a terrible person. I have anxiety myself and I still have that initial doubt when someone else admits they have it. This is the climate that is being facilitated by the glamourisation of anxiety.

I have suffered from anxiety as far back as I can remember. When I joined school aged 4, I suffered from mutism so it goes back at least 22 years. My dermatillomania started 15 years ago, and when you're constantly ripping your skin off to the point of gushing blood, being physically unable to stop until it "feels right", I think it's safe to say you definitely do have the condition. Yet I've only recently started feeling comfortable discussing it. Why? Because over the past few months, I've received a formal diagnosis for both, as well as long-term medication and counselling. It's awful, and I hate it, but now I feel like I can prove my mental health problems. I can sit on my high horse, safe in the knowledge of my prescription, and look down on those who claim to have the conditions. 

This is not how I want to feel and it is not the way mental health problems should be approached. Awareness and publicity is fantastic. The more the better, I say. But why are we glamourising it? Why are we making it cool? The latest thing is to wear a red button as a symbol of your anxiety. That literally turns it into a fashion statement. Some anorexia sufferers wear red bracelets as a sign of solidarity. Can anybody imagine some cool teen idol promoting that, supported by an eating disorder charity? And yet it's exactly the same thing. Why is it not ok for eating disorders but celebrated for anxiety?

Please, if you have problems, get help. Talk to someone, speak to your doctor, look into counselling. By all means share your experiences and help others. But if you can objectively consider your words and think that perhaps you're exaggerating, perhaps you're just trying to fit in, perhaps you want people to think you're brave, find other ways to do that. It's not a fashion statement. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's a life-debilitating condition that affects more people than just the sufferer. 

What to expect from a counselling assessment

Earlier this week, I attended my counselling assessment to ascertain what would be the best approach to my therapy. Having never had any experience of talking therapies before, I was a little nervous as I had no idea what to expect. As it turns out, it was a much less intimidating experience than I'd anticipated! Of course, this is just my experience so it may differ from that of others', but will give you an idea of what to expect.

First, the man I saw (I'm not sure if he was a therapist, nurse, some sort of administrator or something else but we'll call him the therapist for clarity) asked me to fill in the questionnaire. This was a little annoying as I'd already filled it out once at my doctor's surgery and once online following an email request before my appointment. My therapist looked at my answers, clarifying some where needed, and diagnosed me with moderate depression and severe general anxiety. I explained that I don't feel at all depressed and I'm glad I spoke up about it as he said my answers may be reflected by the anxiety rather than depression, so we could disregard that element. 

One of the sections of the questionnaire was related to phobias. After discussing my fear of using the telephone and other social situations, he also diagnosed me with social anxiety. We then discussed my experience with panic attacks, and he asked me what brought it on and how I felt before and during the episode. After talking about my feelings regarding my anxiety in different situations, and a brief history of when my issues started, it became clear that it was brought on by feelings of being overwhelmed and fear of not meeting my own expectations. Having confirmed I was a perfectionist (which is actually where my horrendous procrastination comes from, I was surprised to find out!), my therapist explained that this is probably the root of a lot of my problems.

Once we'd got a greater understanding of my conditions and the impact they have on my life, we discussed possible approaches to therapy. My therapist suggested CBT would be the best option as it would also treat my dermatillomania. He recommended stage 3, which is the more intensive treatment, and on a one-to-one basis rather than group therapy because of both my social anxiety and the complexity of my anxiety-dermatillomania combo. He asked me to set goals to work towards during my therapy and explained that the waiting list is currently about 8 weeks. He was also very accommodating towards my troubles with the phone and wrote a note so the relevant people would know to contact me by email (after saying "They'll give you a call to.... oh, wait. That's not going to work!")

The experience was a lot less scary than I'd expected and I'm really glad I've taken this next step. I'll be posting about my experience with CBT when that happens too so keep your eyes peeled.

What to expect at an ENT clinic

Back in January, I had an MRI scan and wrote a post about what to expect. It seems to have helped a lot of people, so after my appointment to the ENT (ear, nose and throat) clinic this week, I thought I would write a similar post. I'm going to be honest: Before my appointment, I was terrified. On Embarrassing Bodies, they'd shoved a tube up Dr Pixie's nose to check her eustachian tube and, as my GP had mentioned my problem my be eustacian tube related, I was convinced the doctor was going to do the same to me. Luckily, there was no nose-tube-shoving involved, but I thought I'd outline the appointment to hopefully help others about to have their consultation.

Initial consultation
A nurse called me in to speak to the consultant (his name was Mr, not Dr, which confused me. Shouldn't he have a phd if he's going to be rummaging around in people's ears). He asked me lots of questions such as when my symptoms started, how I felt afterwards, when my dizziness affects me, which way I've been falling and so on. After that, he looked in both ears and checked my eyes, teeth and mouth. I had to do the whole tongue-out-say-ah thing, which I thought was just a myth! My coordination was checked with some clapping exercises and following his finger with my eyes, which all seemed to be fine.

After that, he asked me to stand up, put my arms straight out in front of me and march on the spot. Then I had to repeat the same with my eyes closed. This was very disorientating and I was glad not to fall, although I did apparently end up about 4 foot forward and to the right. 

Next, I was asked to sit on the edge of the bed while the doctor strapped some big goggles tightly to my face. These had a little camera pointing at my eyes (although I couldn't see it), which fed the images to a computer next to the bed. First I had to look straight ahead, left and right with a shield clipped in front so I couldn't see anything. Then the doctor shook my head vigorously from side to side and I repeated the movements with my eyes.

The final part of the consultation was very strange and made me feel quite wary. I had to sit up on the bed, with my legs straight out in front of me and, on the count of 3, throw myself back with my head dangling off the edge. At the point, I had to tell the doctor when my dizziness started and ended. He and the nurse were either side of me, so they could break my fall but it was still quite scary.

Hearing test
After these exercises, I had a hearing test. A different consultant led me into a totally soundproof room and put headphones on my ears. Every time I heard a beep, I had to press the clicker she'd passed over to me. Some of the beeps were high pitched, others low, with a mixture of quiet and loud noises. Once I'd listened to all the beeps, she clipped a speaker to the back of my right ear and I had to repeat the process. Finally, I had to repeat it a third time but with a headphone over my left ear playing an increasingly loud static noise. She told me my results straight away: My hearing is in the normal range, although a little below average and my right ear is slightly worse than my left. This didn't come as a surprise to me, but I was glad it wasn't bad enough to cause concern. 

Final consultation
The woman who took my hearing test passed the results on to the first consultant and he called me back in to speak to him. He said that the tests were all negative, meaning my problems are unlikely to be caused by my ears. In fact, he said he would usually see every patient twice just to make sure, but he's so confident that my ears are fine that he's happy for me not to make another appointment. Although it's frustrating to still have an unidentified issue, he explained that it's another piece of the puzzle. We've ruled out brain and ear problems now, so we can only be getting closer to sorting it out.

It turns out my appointment was nothing to worry about. I was there for about 90 minutes in total, so it took a fairly long time, but there was nothing scary or painful. If you have any questions about ENT clinics, MRI scans or general dizzy symptoms, feel free to ask and I will answer as best I can based on my experiences.

As for me, it's back to my GP to try and get to the bottom of it. Wish me luck!