Sunday

On Dermatillomania


Dermatillomania. Derma-tillo-mania. I'm willing to bet very few of you have ever heard it before, and even fewer actually know what it is. In fact, I'd never heard of it until 2010, and I'd been living with it for 11 years. 

Let me tell you a story:
In 1999, I used my mum's facial steamer thingy. It brought up a little spot right in the middle of my forehead. I'd never had a spot before so it was a bit embarassing. Unfortunately, I picked it. Of course it bled. Then I picked the scab. That bled and scabbed over. Which bled again. So on and so forth. It was of great amusement to the boys in my class. Not so much for me. When it eventually disappeared, several months later, I was left with several round scars in a lightning formation which is pretty cool for a Harry Potter nerd! 
You can just about see the scar in this photo, right in the middle of my forehead.

Then, in 2000, I got nits. (I know, not exactly the most pleasant thing to talk about on a blog. And I'm sorry that I made your head itchy thinking about it. If it's any consolation, it's making mine itch typing about it!) I scratched my head so much that it ended up bleeding. Then forming scabs. Which I picked. Then they bled. Then they formed scabs. Then I picked them... 13 years later, the nits are long gone. The scabs? Not so much!

Eventually this bizarre picking thing expanded. I slowly started picking more and more areas of my body. Eventually, I looked it up and discovered that it was Dermatillomania, a condition related to Trichotillomania. You may have heard of the latter- It's the compulsive need to pull out hair. Dermatillomania is the compulsive need to pick at skin.
Here, have a terrible photo of me in 2011. Just look at that chin! 

This isn't as simple as picking a scab or a fingernail. We all do that. With Dermatillomania, you can't stop until you deem it "perfect", even if it's bleeding or painful. It's similar to OCD in this way. With me, it's "perfect" when the area is flat. Unfortunately, that often means it is actually convex where I have gouged into the skin. If there is any part of my skin that feels raised or bumpy, I have to pick it. Leaving it alone is just not an option.

This is how I describe it: Imagine that you feel a tickle on your leg. You look down and see a spider. Rather than flick it off straight away, you leave it. Every time it moves, you become more and more aware of the sensation and your discomfort grows and grows until you can't take it anymore and you have to get rid of it. That's exactly how it feels when I try not to pick. It's not as easy as just leaving it alone.
Here's a more recent photo of me completely minus make up when I was in a less picky place. You can see the scarring under my make up. 

I actually consider myself very lucky. Although there are days when I am scared to leave the house because of it, or I'm wiggling around on the floor in pain and covered in blood, it doesn't interfere with my daily life. I've never had to take a day off work for it and my "picking spots", as Rich and I call them, are generally in hidden areas. My scalp and my inner ear are the worst by far, although I'm still sometimes prone to picking my chin, feet, arms and legs. My lips are always chapped in winter because of it.  

There are some worries. I'm a little concerned about my hearing- It's definitely not as acute as it should be, my ears are often painful and I'm a little afraid that my picking is damaging them. As I said before, it's often painful and, because I can't stop myself doing it, I'm sure I look crazy in public sometimes. However, it's a part of me and there's nothing I can do about it. I've just got to put up with it and carry on! 

25 comments :

  1. Wow, I had no idea this was a named condition. Very brave of you to blog about it, I guess we've all gone through that phase of 'ooh a spot, quick, kill it with fiyah!!!1' but I never realised it could go further! Thanks for writing about it and I hope it doesn't affect your hearing too much, it's one thing to lose your hearing naturally but when you know it's because of something you can't stop doing, it must be even harder.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think a lot of people have that "Oh, I always pick spots" reaction without realising that actually, it's a lot more than that with dermatillomania.

      I hope my hearing doesn't go too- How would I sing along to Funeral for a Friend?

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  2. Thanks so much for sharing this, I'm sure you're helping loads of people by just talking about it! It certainly looks like you've gotten better, just by looking at the picture! Have you ever looked for treatment for it? x

    http://ferdies-place.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Luckily, most of the places I pick aren't visible!

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  3. wow!!! that is something new I learnt today & you have explained it very beautifully dear :)

    Primed with Prettiness

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  4. this is such a brave post, Becky. I have exactly the same issue and I become obsessed with picking my faces and scabs so my body is littered with scars - I suffer from eczema so when I was younger i used to scratch like mad. It was kind of reassuring and horrifying to read this.. my face is in a state at the moment and reading this I just keep thinking I need to leave it be!


    Hannah xx

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    1. I'm sorry that you suffer with it too but at least you know it's not just you!

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  5. saaaaame. unforts, the older my face gets, the more the scars become visible. laugh lines and picked scars start to merge and waaaah make up can't save me anymore. lately though, i've been picking my arms more, which boyfriend hates but is ohhhhh so satisfying.

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    1. I know what you mean about the satisfying feeling!

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  6. Thank you for sharing Becky - honestly I think it's great for people to share this sort of thing as it makes other sufferers more at ease. I suffer from trichotillomania myself - at school I ended up with a bit of a bald patch! Even now I have a sort of tuft of shorter hair at the roots.

    It's interesting how you define the reason for doing it - I don't really know the reason why I pull hair, I always go for the hairs that have a different texture to the majority of my hair, but I've never really thought about *why* I do it, but I know I do it more when I'm stressed!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Trichotillomania is horrible to live with- There's no hiding it! It sounds like you've improved since school though so at least that's good.

      Sounds like it has similar motivations to dermatillomania- Trying to get it "feeling" right.

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  7. I've never heard of the name before but yea that's me. My legs are covered in scars and I still pick. Always picking. My mom used to slap my hands. I can't help it though!!

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    1. Rich hits my hands too haha! It doesn't work though!

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  8. Wow, genuinely thought I was the only one who has a 'problem' by not leaving my skin alone.
    I'm really bad at controlling it, I can't leave the house or go to sleep until I've checked my face and my worst habit is when I'm stressed. My forehead looks horrible :(
    I don't help myself by not wearing makeup and my skin type changes from dry to oily on some days.
    But thank you for writing about this! I found you Blog by shear chance on BlogLovin' and now intend to follow.
    I'm working really hard at controlling my habit and hopefully will stop one day.
    Again thank you!
    Becky x
    www.beckybrown91.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I understand about not being able to sleep- The other day I was up until 3am just picking and picking and picking. I was so, so tired but I couldn't go to sleep until it was perfect.

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  9. Admittedly, I have the exact same issues as you do with this - my spots are my scalp and my arms. It used to be my forehead and chin, but most of my acne has cleared up, leaving me lovely scars as well. I'm always picking, and picking, and picking. I feel your pain, lady! I'm so glad you've put a name to this for me; I thought it was sort of normal. (Based on these comments, I guess it really is!)

    xo Kristina Rose
    www.thewhimsicaldays.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm surprised at how many people relate to it. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

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  10. Don't work yourself up over it sugarplum, I had no idea that this was something you suffered with and I looked at you A LOT when we met. (Couldn't stop staring at your gorgeous face, you might say.)

    I'm proud of you for talking about it :) Rich should buy you something nice and beautiful (maybe a real pig!?) for being brave ;) xxx

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    1. You'd know it if you saw me naked!

      I definitely think Rich should buy me a pig. I'll have a word!

      xx

      Ps: Love you!

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  11. This was a very brave thing to post, well done! :) x

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  12. Only about a week ago I stumbled across your blog on bloglovin' and started checking in when new posts went up. You had me sitting stunned behind the screen after reading this post. I felt such relief that it is not just me, that there is actually a name for it. Years I have spent time and money and a lot of frustration on creams and lotions, beauticians and doctors, believing I had some form of acne, though no expert could definitely say it was exactly that, only that it looked like like it could be. And it always looked worse because of the picking naturally.

    In reality the odd pimple pops up and I feel a bump that I cannot leave alone until it is smooth. What started as a small red bump ends up in an inflamed red and raw area by the picking and the scab needs to be picked at as well as it is lumpy. I do not leave the house without foundation or tinted day cream; only on a real good day I do not feel self-conscious about my skin. Next to the daily evening picking routine, somewhere along the way, I started picking unconsciously as well. Stress is one of my biggest triggers, and it does not help that my face tends to have break outs as a first sign of stress. I am six months into a relationship with my boyfriend and am not brave enough to go about without any make up on the affected areas when I have picked; only on "good days". He knows and notices that my face is stress sensitive and that I have a couple of pimples(make up does not really hide anything, does it?). Now I have a name to the condition I am devouring all information I can find and working up to being brave and talk about it with my boyfriend. It is no big deal for him, but I really want to share this self-conscious part of me with him. I just do not know how to go about it yet.

    Thank you so much for being brave writing about and illustrating the condition. I feel less embarrassed now knowing that there are others suffering and dealing with it as well.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Only about a week ago I stumbled across your blog on bloglovin' and started checking in when new posts went up. You had me sitting stunned behind the screen after reading this post. I felt such relief that it is not just me, that there is actually a name for it. Years I have spent time and money and a lot of frustration on creams and lotions, beauticians and doctors, believing I had some form of acne, though no expert could definitely say it was exactly that, only that it looked like like it could be. And it always looked worse because of the picking naturally.

    In reality the odd pimple pops up and I feel a bump that I cannot leave alone until it is smooth. What started as a small red bump ends up in an inflamed red and raw area by the picking and the scab needs to be picked at as well as it is lumpy. I do not leave the house without foundation or tinted day cream; only on a real good day I do not feel self-conscious about my skin. Next to the daily evening picking routine, somewhere along the way, I started picking unconsciously as well. Stress is one of my biggest triggers, and it does not help that my face tends to have break outs as a first sign of stress. I am six months into a relationship with my boyfriend and am not brave enough to go about without any make up on the affected areas when I have picked; only on "good days". He knows and notices that my face is stress sensitive and that I have a couple of pimples(make up does not really hide anything, does it?). Now I have a name to the condition I am devouring all information I can find and working up to being brave and talk about it with my boyfriend. It is no big deal for him, but I really want to share this self-conscious part of me with him. I just do not know how to go about it yet.

    Thank you so much for being brave writing about and illustrating the condition. I feel less embarrassed now knowing that there are others suffering and dealing with it as well.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have dermatillomania as well as trichotillomania. I pick around my cuticles and, like you, have horrid urges to pick until the area looks flat or there aren't any bits of skin sticking up (that sounds so gross). It's amazing how many people not only don't know of it, but also mock those who do. A little understanding goes a long way. Thank you for speaking out xx Sophie/ www.prettyandpolished.co.uk

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  15. At first I was like "oh maybe this could be similar to what I do" and then you mentioned your inner it was a hallelujah moment. This is me in every way. And the hair pulling as well. So glad to finally have a name and know I'm not just a weirdo who picks myself! Lol

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