Time for some real talk

Normally, when I sit down to write a blog post, I have a pretty good idea of where it's going. Not this time. I'll just write and let's see where we end up.
I'm signed off from work. Again. This is the third time in a year that I've been signed off and will clock in at a total of 10 weeks. If I'm completely honest with you, I'm scared. Scared for my job security. Scared for my mental health. Just scared generally because that's what happens when you've got anxiety.

Anxiety is not a cute little panic attack that goes away when you meet a celebrity. It's not "just saying yes" to things that scare you. It's not being a bit shy and nervous around people or not wanting to go to work in the morning.

Anxiety is all-consuming. It prods your mind in the night to remind you what a terrible person you are. It twists your stomach into knots at the thought of even getting off the sofa. It's hiding on the stairs when someone knocks on the door, staying cooped up inside for days on end and shaking so noticeably that the doctor notices (although that may be because I fancy the socks off him).

Perversely, in my case, it also means making jokes that might be inappropriate given my condition, going on day trips that probably make some people think I'm skiving, and being happy as Larry on social media. (Side note: Who is Larry and why exactly is he so happy?)

I'm ok, you know. I mean, I'm not really but I will be. I have so much support from my friends, family and that doctor I keep going on about. I'm not posting this for sympathy or advice. I'm not even sure if it could be classed as helpful. I'm just letting you into my life and this little hidden part that, although I openly discuss, is probably not as transparent as I think it is. 

Right now, everything scares me. Everything except one little thing- blogging. Being able to write, being active in this wonderful community, talking to such amazing people from all over the world who are drawn together through this interest, is an incredible thing. I'm so grateful this community exists and is as accepting as it is.

...and now, back to the usual content you expect on here.


  1. I really hope you're ok lovely, the blogging world I have found is the best thing ever, I wrote a post late last night and never thought blogging had really helped me until that point and once I'd wrote my feelings and everything I felt much better.
    I'd been suffering what according to google were signs of anxiety and after a push from my uni tutor I finally went to see a doctor two weeks ago, who confirmed it and to be honest I'm struggling with being diagnosed with it but I also feel better because I just thought I was going crazy. But I have found that the people I have told don't understand and just make jokes or something and reading this post has made me feel better because I'm really not alone and there are others who feel the same as me.
    I hope you're feeling better soon Becky.
    Kloe xx

  2. Sending you masses of love xxx

  3. Ohh Becky. Im sending you so many virtual hugs right now.You always have my support and I wish you all the best. Please remember your not alone.

    All the love,
    Caitriona xx

  4. I hope you are feeling more yourself soon, Becky.
    Anxiety is such a horrible thing, sending you lots of cuddles and cuppas.
    Gill xx EyelinerFlicks

  5. Who the heck IS Larry? Jokes aside, try not to be hard on yourself, do what's best for you. Through blogging, I've discovered such a wonderful support network for sufferers of anxiety and depression, and I'm so glad that it's what's making you happy at the moment. Keep your chin up!

    Martha Jane | http://marthajanemusic.blogspot.co.uk/

  6. I really hope you're doing OK at the moment Becky. I actually got tearful reading this because I know exactly what this is like, and I really hope you start to get back to a place where things are better for you and the anxieties and stresses are lessened. I know how exhausting this can be and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I hope you get a chance to have a rest and are feeling brighter soon. Lots of positive and good thoughts being sent your way! - Tasha

  7. Totally understand your struggle sweetie, although anxiety affects us all differently.You know you've got support from the whole blogging community - we have to stick together through hard times.
    All my love xxx

  8. Don't ever feel bad for being signed off, no matter how many times. Your health is the most important thing, and anxiety is just so complex it can take what feels like a life time to fix. I cant say anything that will really help, as if that was possible then no body would would ever suffer. I just want to say look after yourself, and I hope things look up very soon - and they will!

    Annabel ♥
    Mascara & Maltesers

  9. Oh lovely I hope that things pick up for you. Give yourself that time and remember the time out is to make you feel better not for you to feel bad and stay in a dark room feeling I'll like some silly folk might think. You bring a ray of sunshine with your blogging so if it makes you happy then keep it up. X

  10. Totally got the wrong end of the stick here over on Twitter. I thought you were slowing down on the work front to spend more time blogging. My apologies. Only started following your blog recently, so was completely unaware that you suffered from such terrible anxiety attacks. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you. But at the same time, it's so amazing to hear that blogging is such a positive part of your life. You're work is great and it's always a pleasure to read. I hope things start to look up soon :-) x

  11. I really hope you start to feel better soon. Anxiety is a bitch, and a totally misunderstood bitch. I'm glad that you have great support around you as that's one of the most important things, and a fab blog that you can escape into xx Sophie / www.prettyandpolished.co.uk

  12. Such a lovely, honest post and (as selfish as this sounds) I always like reading posts like this as it reminds me I'm not the only one who feels like this. Starting blogging has been the biggest help for me as, like you said, everyone is just so lovely and supportive! It's crazy that there are people out there who really care for you despite not even knowing you in person! I hope things start to look up soon for you Becky :)

    Beth x
    Bethany Georgina

  13. Thank you for not sugarcoating your condition. As you indirectly mentioned anxiety has been portrayed a bit 'harmless' by certain people online. Though it is great that it is spoken about, the way you talk about it is important and posts like yours are the way forward when it comes to informing others about anxiety.
    I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon! Take your time!
    Lots of love x

  14. I really hope things start to get better soon!!
    Actually the part of this that spoke the most to me was where you wrote "I'm just letting you into my life and this little hidden part that, although I openly discuss, is probably not as transparent as I think it is".
    I've been feeling a little like this in my own mental health. I guess I don't hide it and I have no problems discussing my mental health in a conversation that's already on going, but at the same time I don't openly talk about it on my blog or start conversations about it.
    I think it's just hidden out of habit rather than hidden on purpose. At the same time, blogging makes me happy, makes me forget about the other stuff, the depression and everything else, so maybe subconsciously, I don't want to bring that kind of thing to the blog in a way. I don't think I want to bring the thing I am trying to avoid to the place that I come to avoid it.

    As long as you are always doing what's best for yourself, that's always the most important.

  15. I can identify so much with this... People just don't understand how debilitating anxiety is. Or how it isn't logical at all... Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Take care xx

  16. I really hope things get better for you soon. Anxiety is painful, it makes me paranoid and stressed and scared, so scared about things that are so out of my control theres no point even thinking about them. It's hard because people will never know whats really going on in your mind, even other people with anxiety, although they can sympathise and understand on some level. I really hope things get better for you soon.

    Emma xxx
    Writing Essays With Wine

  17. I have suffered from anxiety for about 8 years now, but the older I get the less accepted it seems to be. I have a very busy job with a lot of responsibility (much like you do from what I can see) and when things get on top of me I don't say anything because I'm frightened that I'll be seen as not coping and then my job will be on the line. I can't ask for time of to see a councillor without them knowing what's going on either so it's a bit of an endless cycle. The internet is a massive help and knowing there are others who've pulled through the same struggles is very reassuring. Thank you for sharing with us - it's not easy to open up about these things.

    http://www.tea-books-eyeliner.com xxx


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